Mark Goulston, M. D., Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Amacom, 2009
Referenced in:
- Leadership Development Through Communication Competence
- Criticism, Difficult People, Difficult Conversations
LifeandLeadership.com Summary
This is a fascinating look at the dynamics of difficult conversations. While not written with church leadership in mind, it translates well into ministry contexts. It operates on a counter-intuitive principle that in order to get through in difficult situations, the best posture is not to upshift through persuasion and argument, which creates resistance, but to downshift through the skills of active listening. The terms Goulston uses to refer to active listening are standard to other literature on the subject – listen, ask, mirror, reflect back to others what you’ve heard, etc. A part of Goulston’s uniqueness, however, is that he has used these skills extensively to, in his own words, “fix broken families and help warring couples fall in love again…save companies on the brink of meltdown, get feuding managers to work together effectively, empower sales people to make ‘impossible’ sales…[and] help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the toughest negotiations possible.” These experiences, bolstered by his own research as a psychiatrist, have led to this helpful manual.
The focus or central tenet, or as Goulston says, the promise of this book is that “the secret of getting through to absolutely anyone is that you get through to people by having them “buy-in.” Buy-in occurs when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you are saying. He presents a Persuasion Cycle that moves in this sequence:
- From resisting to listening
- From listening to considering
- From considering to willing to do
- From willing to do to doing
- From doing to glad they did and continuing to do.(8)
The key to the whole cycle is not telling, but listening.
In the book, Goulston bolsters the cycle with brain science. Supposedly, the persuasion cycle overcomes a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” People long for love and approval. If they operate consistently with little reciprocation, they fall back into the reptilian or mammal brain. The persuasion cycle creates a connection that activates the “empathy neurons” and leads people to more cooperative behavior.
He then explains the Persuasion Cycle in terms of “Nine Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone.” Aside from the skills, this includes “Steering Clear of Toxic People” such as needy people, bullies, takers, narcissists, psychopaths, etc. From there, he suggests “12 Quick and Easy Ways to Achieve Buy-in and Get Through.” Finally, he applies these to seven common situations where this approach is helpful.
This is an excellent text, highly recommended on many levels – leadership, pastoral skills, conflict resolution, etc.
From the Publisher
You’ve got a business colleague who’s hostile…a client who’s furious…a staffer who’s deeply cynical—how do you get people to do what you want in tough situations like these? In Just Listen, veteran psychiatrist and business coach Mark Goulston reveals the secret to how to get through to anyone, even when productive communication seems impossible.
“Here’s the challenge,” Mark says. “People have their own needs, desires, and agendas. They have secrets they’re hiding from you. And they’re stressed, busy, and often feeling like they’re in over their heads. To cope, they throw up barricades that make it difficult to reach them even when your goals are in sync with their own.”
But the good news is that there are simple strategies that can make you compelling, and break down the walls that keep you from getting through to the people you need to buy into your ideas and goals. Just Listen presents remarkably effective tools and techniques you can use whenever a job, a sale, or a relationship hangs in the balance.
How effective are Mark’s techniques? One of his areas of expertise is training FBI and police hostage negotiators to handle life-or-death situations. “The same tips I teach these professionals for building empathy, deescalating conflict, and gaining buy-in will work in any situation,” Mark says. “Whether you’re a new employee fresh out of school, a salesperson, or a CEO, once you master these skills you can take them wherever you go in your career.” And Mark has proven these strategies in his own 30-year career as a business coach at companies such as GE, IBM, Goldman Sachs, Kodak, Federal Express, Hyatt, and Disney.
With this powerful yet engaging book, you’ll learn how to:
- Get the attention of a total stranger who you need to know—like that potential client you absolutely must land.
- Talk an angry person up from an instinctual (irrational) state to receptivity, and finally to rationality—a skill that can save a job, a marriage, or even a life.
- Use the “Magic Paradox”—a technique the author developed for hostage negotiators—to turn a negative person into an asset.
- Master the critical art of buy-in (the foreplay of negotiation, persuasion, and selling) by moving anyone through the “Persuasion Cycle.”
Barricades between people become barriers to success, progress, and happiness; so getting through is not just a fine art, but a crucial skill. Just Listen gives you the techniques and confidence to approach the unreachable people in your life, and turn frustrating situations into productive outcomes and rewarding relationships.
Praise for Just Listen!
“I’ve already ordered copies for everyone in Mattel’s senior leadership team and for each of my grown kids.”— Bob Eckert, CEO and Chairman, Mattel
“This book will help you turn the impossible and unreachable people in your life into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.” — Keith Ferrazzi, best-selling author of Who’s Got Your Back and Never Eat Alone
“Easy to read, easy to follow, and the results are astounding.” — Marshall Goldsmith, best-selling author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There and Succession: Are You Ready?
“A groundbreaking work that all leaders, present and future, should read, and more important, practice.” — Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Management, USC, and author of On Becoming a Leader
“Goulston’s book delivers on his promise. Read it and you will discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone, and I mean anyone!” — Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul
“Goulston’s insights into human behavior are real gems.” — Steven B. Sample, President, University of Southern California; author of the best-selling book The Contrarian’s Guide to Leadership
About the Author
Mark Goulston, M.D., is a psychiatrist, consultant, business coach, and is the author of Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. He writes a leadership column for Fast Company and the “Solve Anything with Dr. Mark” career advice column for Tribune Media Services. Named one of America’s Top Psychiatrists by the Consumers’ Research Council of America (2009, 2005, 2004), he is frequently quoted or featured in The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek and others, and on CNN, NPR, Fox News, and BBC-TV. He lives in Los Angeles.
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