Lewis B. Smedes, Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve. HarperOne, 1996. Also The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive But Don’t Know How. Ballantine Books, 1997.
Referenced in: Church Conflict – Communication, Healthy Behavior, Forgiveness
LifeandLeadership.com Summary
Many resources on forgiveness set forth an ethic that seems unrealistic, almost Herculean. To be sure, the Bible presents a clear standard for Christians to forgive, seek peace and reconciliation, and carry on with life gracefully. In most cases, however, this is incredibly difficult. In Smedes’ books, he does not minimize the difficulty, nor does he relax the Biblical standard. He does, however, provide a compassionate map of the normal processes we experience on the journey toward forgiveness. The first work, Forgive and Forget is a recognized classic on the subject. It begins with the fable of The Magic Eyes, which I personally keep in a little notebook and read occasionally to remind me of how truly freeing it is to forgive. Smedes then describes the four phases of the journey toward forgiveness. The book continues with insight on forgiving people who are hard to forgive, how people forgive (slowly, with a little understanding, in confusion, with anger left over, a little at a time, freely or not at all…), and ends with motivation to forgive. My favorite part of this book is chapter 5, “Some Nice Things Forgiving is Not.”
The sequel, The Art of Forgiving, builds upon the concepts of the first. Smedes says:
The basics of forgiving are the same for everyone. When we forgive someone, we all perform the same basic transformation inside our inner selves. Each person’s healing follows the same basic script. This is why, for all of us, no matter how badly we have been hurt or when and why it happened, the remedy has one name: forgiveness. On the other hand, no two situations are exactly the same. And no two people feel exactly the same way after they have been wronged. Each of us naturally puts her special spin on the inner process of forgiving the wrong. And each of us makes his own decision about how to relate to someone after we forgive her. We all play our own variations on the single forgiveness theme.
This book has four major sections: What We Do When We Forgive (including the three stages), Why We Forgive, Whom We Forgive, and How We Forgive. The three stages are:
- We rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us
- We surrender our right to get even
- We revise our feelings toward the person we forgive.
Using many dramatic examples drawn from life, this practical book builds upon these three stages to present a realistic path of healing and the road to peace and freedom. Smedes’ volumes are indispensable resources on the subject of forgiveness. It is best to use both volumes, but if you use only one, it should be The Art of Forgiving.
About the Author
Lewis B. Smedes is a professor of philosophy and integration at Fuller Graduate School of Psychology of Pasadena, California.He is the award winning author of nine-books, including A Pretty Good Person.
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